I’ve come to believe that we, as a society, are pretty naïve when it comes to our food. This is true in several areas of dietary consumption, such as eating in restaurants (e.g. we trust our food prep with the kid who makes $12/hr and was just cussed out by a full grown woman driving a 100k SUV because she asked for Polynesian sauce and not barbecue) or buying prepackaged food (because that chicken breast was born inside that bag and never encountered human hands or non-human insects).
I think it’s especially true of how food is named and/or marketed. For instance, we buy and consume half-and-half. Yet - YET - we assume that we are drinking a mixture of half milk, half cream. But we rarely stop to check the label and never pause to ask critical questions, such as “What if it’s half puddle water, half cyanide?” Sure, we may detect something is amiss pretty soon after the first sip, but by that point, it will be too late.
Or, take the term “All Natural”. Sounds healthy, right? I know! Well, allow me to present a far-from-comprehensive list of things that fall under the umbrella of “all natural”:
Lard
Chicken feet
The bacteria that causes botulism
Rancid Kielbasa
Spoiled organic milk
The puddle water and cyanide found in some creamers
Having your arms ripped off by a chimp
The list could literally go on. . .so, here goes:
The virus that causes the mumps
Venus fly traps
Chaffed thighs at the beach
Crevice sand at the beach
Sunburns at the beach
The hernias your family gets from from laughing so hard at your misery at the beach
When the chimp comes back to hit you with your own arms
Et cetera and so forth and so on.
As a classically trained chemist, there is one realm of consumer naivete that especially chafes my thighs, and that is when something is said to be “chemical free”. I get what they are TRYING to say, namely that there are no harmful chemicals or toxins in said food (or shampoo or lotion or bug spray or bunion pad).
However - HOWEVER - we should collectively harken back to a rudimentary chemistry or science class to at least recall that anything of substance - anything we can touch or eat or punt at a chimp who is chasing us with our own arms - is made of chemicals.
Whenever I see that claim, I want to call the customer service line and congratulate them. “You did it!” I’d proclaim. “You made a chocolate chip cookie out of pure energy, with no mass! Photons, I assume? Let me ask you - how do you get them in the package, seeing as they move at the speed of light and oscillate like crazy - must be a bear to catch! Are you hiring, because that sounds incredible. ALMOST UNBELIEVABLE . . . how do you sleep at night!!!!“
Or something like that.
Just me?
Well, in any case, we need to be more vigilant about what we buy (in more than one sense).
Oh, I just thought of another one: the seventeen disgusting moles that your cat has dropped on your doorstep because you look like a guy who has a mole deficiency?
All natural.
Thanks for reading! Wishing you a weekend free of whatever makes you feel like you’re not living your best life!
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I am in denial about being denial about all the chemicals and other scary substances I ingest every day. Also, I am in denial about the manifestations of the sundry life-altering side effects that descend upon my unsuspecting self all day every day. Restaurant food: I simply refuse to allow myself to think about all the probable extra ingredients that are no doubt accompanying what is on my plate.