Little known facts* about the first Thanksgiving
*Sorry, "facts"
Thanksgiving is a time of year for which many of us have built a quant picture of how this holiday season came to be, and particularly of what that first “Thanksgiving” was like. Many of us envision so-called pilgrims in large, buckled hats, shaking hands with muscled natives across a table lain with turkey, dressing, and a cornucopia bursting with fresh fruit and vegetables. There were pies, and everyone was hale and happy. We see it as a largely joyous event, with little drama.
But people are people, and the pilgrims and the native Americans were not much different than us. And as a result of the tireless research of, well, those professional-type people who research such things, and in a tireless manner, we now know that the reality of that first Thanksgiving was likely very different than the vision we’ve all adopted, and certainly more relatable.
To that end, here are a few “facts” about Thanksgiving that have really impacted the way I view the holiday:
Governor William Bradford caused a minor uproar when, in his opening prayer, he inadvertently thanked God for the just-received approval to construct a Buc-ees on 100 acres of prime Wampanoag hunting grounds. Things quieted a bit when the native allies tasted the brisket samples and Beaver Nuggets the Governor had secured.
The first Thanksgiving was in large part a celebration of the bountiful harvest the pilgrims had experienced thanks to the aid of their new native American friends. In a moment of near-tragic irony, pioneer William Hawkins put a damper on the festivities when he almost burned down an entire corn plantation as he was attemping to deep fry a turkey. He was sent straight home by his wife, without pie.
The classic buckle hats seen in many paintings depicting the era were never worn and likely never even existed. In fact, it is now believed that most pilgrims favored Merino Wool beanies.
The “cornucopia” often depicted in art and pop culture, a weaved horn overflowing with beautiful fresh fruits and nuts and vegetables, was likely very different in reality. It is now widely believed that the cornucopia of the time was actually a gourd filled with a rotating selection of Trader Joe’s wine.
Emotions spiked during the annual football game when it was revealed that Chief Massasoit had secretly been a Patriots fan for years. It didn’t help matters that New England beat Kansas City on a last minute drive. Massasoit eased tensions somewhat when he agreed to buy another case of beer out of his DraftKings winnings.
The anti-vaxxer debate reached a crescendo when pilgrim Mary Brewster, who doggedly refused to get the smallpox shot or wear a mask, was observed openly mashing the potatoes with her bare hands.
Tensions rose when, after one too many corn ales, a prominent Wampanoag tribe member continuously raised the issue of immigration, and eventually began shouting that someone should “build the wall”. As no one knew what wall he was referring to, his corn drink was replaced with an Arnold Palmer and he was sent to get more ice.
The original Thanksgiving celebration lasted three days. It would almost certainly have lasted longer, but was brought to a screeching halt when Edward Winslow’s daughter’s boyfriend showed up with a meatless muskrat.
Immediately following the celebration, many attendees headed out to buy supplies at a large shopping event put on by local merchants, one believed to be akin to modern day Black Friday. Sadly, tragedy struck when a farmer named William Trevor was shot in a fight over a pair of Air Jordans. Trevor survived his wounds, but lost the shoes.
Centuries after the first gathering, Abraham Lincoln officially declared Thanksgiving a national holiday, which was to occur on the last Thursday in November. He subsequently signed a second law into effect requiring all stores to put out their Thanksgiving crap no later than the last Tuesday in August.
Throughout the years, despite all of the human interaction required, Thanksgiving has become one of America’s favorite national holidays. So whether today finds you continuing to unwind with friends, family, and leftovers, or putting on the wool beanie to join the Black Friday crowds, here’s wishing you a blessed season filled love and laughter. As Lincoln stated so eloquently in his speech christening Thanksgiving all those years ago:
“May your plate be mounded with mass-cooked brisket, your gourd overflow with wine, and your betting app be filled to the brim with covered spreads!”
