My Passwords are Exposed

But no one wants them

I have a manila folder at work within which I keep a list of logon info. This thing is covered with scribbled usernames and passwords, in various shades of pen and pencil, and at various angles. I opened it recently, and worried, again, that it might not be wise to keep such a thing, much less to keep such a thing sitting out in the open, on the corner of my desk.

And then I really stopped to consider what’s there, and realized:

No one wants these. Not one person is interested in this info.

How does a man get to the point in his life where a folder FULL of access to sensitive life details would be of interest to no one? It’s a sobering realization.

Besides, if for some reason someone does want my info, they will hack in electronically and take it. No one is going to sneak into my office and steal my manila folder.

In any case, they will be disappointed.

"Ok, all, our weekly Dubious Individuals meeting will come to order. Let's go around the horn. Julius?"

"I hacked into Citibank, stole a billion dollars, and erased the records of 3 million customers."

"Great work. Samantha."

"Took the US Navy's Com system down for thirty minutes. Sent a fleet of submarines to Ft Myers, Florida."

"Classic. Charlie?"

"Went old school today. Snuck into an office in a chemical company in Kentucky. Snagged a manila folder full of passwords and usernames."

"Snuck in? Like, in person?"

"Yup, rolled past the front desk, ninja-style."

"Ok. . . was the folder full of information for the entire company?"

"Nah, just one dude."

"Lord give me strength . . . Tell me it was the CEO. Or at least head of security."

"Don't think so."

"So. . . {rubs forehead}. . . what intel did you get?"

"The guy likes gel pens, hasn't figured out how to use the camera on his phone, writes really long emails, and eats a lot of fast food."

"Meeting dismissed. . . Charlie, a word please."

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While this may be, on one hand, a disheartening revelation, I’ve always tried to look for the lemonade in the cloud’s lining. So, consider this the official announcement that I’m planning to leverage this general disinterest in password-filled physical folders sitting on my desk by starting my own password storage service!

It’s called: “I’ll_Pass!"

For a reasonable fee, I will write your logon information onto a folder stored on my desk, and when you need it, all you have to do is call, text, email, fax, etc, and I will tell you your passwords, usernames, and even the street you grew up on!

Some of the subscription levels we will be offering:

Free Tier:

• I will write down login info for up to 5 accounts. Simply call anytime, and I’ll answer if I can!

Basic Tier:

• Everything in the free tier, but you get to choose the color of the folder.

Premium Tier:

• I will create an account for you with an existing password app (Dashlane, Bitwarden, etc), and I will keep THAT password for you. Simply call me to get the password to your password app! (Password changed daily)

Executive Tier:

• Everything in Premium tier, with an additional layer of security: your master password will be written in cursive, by me, which guarantees that NO ONE will be able to fully decipher it, even me. Is that “Blessings” or “Blossoms”? Why not try them both!

Stay tuned! Subscribers to the Thread will get early access AND a chance to win a lifetime subscription* to “I’ll_Pass!"!

*Free tier only

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Thanks for reading. Seriously, the fact that anyone would willingly read this stuff is baffling, but appreciated nonetheless. I value the chance to connect in this way!

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