The post below was written a few years back, when our kids were a bit younger. Now that we have a granddaughter, it’s time to begin thinking about these types of clandestine activities again. I need to find out where they are happening and how I can break them up.
As amazing as parenthood can be, I have been convinced for some time that our children conspire against us, and that their activities are more organized than they first appear. I have specifically suspected covert all-hands meetings in the wee hours of the morning. It's impossible this is not happening.
Below is a transcript of one such meeting. The names have been changed somewhat in order to passive aggressively shame the guilty. I offer this as a public service announcement. Be informed.
Alex: Alright, everybody, let's get started. We've got a busy day ahead of us and not a lot of time before we wake the old man up. Now, before we discuss today’s agenda, I'd just like to take a moment to acknowledge yesterday's breakthrough performance by Andi. I've never seen such creative use of a toothbrush, a Hot Wheel, a half-eaten grilled cheese, and raw human emotion. It will be some time before the old man's left eye stops twitching, I can tell you that right now!
Andi: I appreciate that, but I was just doing my job.
Alex: That's what it's all about. Now, today we're going to keep it simple. Everyone stick to your assigned tasks, and the old man will be a mumbling mess by 8 pm. Lucky for us, mom will be catching up on paperwork today, which makes our job easy.
Ok, Eve.
Eve: Let's do this.
Alex: Eve, you're on dishes. Immediately after dad finishes with what’s in the sink, your job is to go in behind him and re-fill the sink with plates, cups, mixing bowls, etc. Remember: not too fast. We want the old man to question his sanity, to wonder how a family of 6 can possibly use so many dishes. Do it too fast, and he may think the house is haunted and move us again.
Eve: Got it. Slow and steady.
Alex: Great. Now, Andi. Do you remember that time you pretended for hours that you were an angry, piano-playing poodle who would only travel via pixie dust and who had a condition that meant you had to constantly and loudly bark to survive?
Andi: Vaguely.
Alex: Well, I need you to be that. All day long. Dig deep.
Andi: Say no more.
Alex: Always the professional. Alright, Dan the man.
Dan: Yo.
Alex: Just do what you do. And, if you could "relieve yourself" in the tub, that would be great.
Dan: I'm already on it.
Alex: You definitely da man. Ok, that of course leaves constant arguing, which I will take today. I have a few "promises" that the old man made recently that I'll not-so-subtly remind him of. This will be fun.
Oh, and remember, between the 4 of us, we are hungry all the time. When's the best time to ask for a sandwich?
Everyone in unison: After a sandwich has been made, offered, refused, and eaten by the parent.
Alex: Beautiful. Ok, let's have a good day. And remember . . .
Everyone in unison: "No" always means "Ask again".
Alex: Godspeed.
Thanks for reading. May all of your covert meetings go off without a hitch!
I'm glad you resurrected this one. So funny.