A Tale Interrupted, A Disdain Conferred
A Tale Interrupted, A Disdain Conferred
And a request to hear from you!
Hello old friends, and welcome new!
First of all, I need to say that I’ll get back to the riveting almost-went-fishing tale begun in earnest last time. I’ve heard you loud and clear - you MUST know how it all ends!
And while I will finish the story, I do find myself in a position with this particular tale that has become all too common in my personal life in recent years. Often, I’ll begin to tell my family a story, some anecdote, say, about my day. It’s one that seems worthy of retelling, to my family at least. I mean, I like good stories, so I should be able to recognize one to tell. Right? Without fail, not more than 10 seconds in, I’ll be interrupted for one reason or another, and then when it’s time to return to the story, I find I have no real energy to continue; I have instead realized during the interruption that the story is not all that compelling. It usually goes something like:
Me: “Hey, so today at work I was talking to Jane and she told me that she and her husband. . . “
Child 3: “MOM! Your son is the worst! Can’t you control him?”
Abby: “Deal with it, sweetie.”
Child 3: “But Mom, he never listens!”
Abby: “Tell him to come here.”
Son: “Yeah?”
Abby: “Be nice.”
Son: “Ok”
Abby: “Sorry, so Jane and her husband.”
Me, realizing that I was about to share with another human being, as my one chosen “interesting” anecdote of the day, the fact that a coworker and her husband tried Walmart+ and really like it: “Nevermind.”
It’s not quite that severe in this case, but I fear the payoff with the fishing tale may be light on impact. In any case, imaginary Keith Morrison even seems to be rolling his eyes at the Dateline schtick, so it may be a fairly straight retelling henceforth. We’ll see.
And the winner is . . .
A potential post/topic of discussion that has surfaced this week might fall under the general banner of “difficult people” (i.e. humanity), but specifically condescending people, or maybe more to the point, the human drive to be condescending or to put others down. It’s nothing new, and I’m not sure what I can add to this discussion, but I think there is a discussion to be had there. It seems to be exactly the type of thing that would be a common experience, in both the fact that we have all been the condescendee and, at times, the condescendor.
For me, this came up this week when I ran into someone I had not seen in a while, someone who I used to be close to but have had a strained relationship with in recent years. The strain, from my POV, is largely based on my perception that this person takes great pains to, often subtly, mock my life or personality or viewpoints as silly or inferior. I have tried to give this person the benefit of the doubt, that maybe I was being overly sensitive and seeing things that were not there. Maybe this is what “friends” do these days? But our interaction this week confirmed, for me at least, that it’s not me, or not just me. There is a definite current habit on this person’s part to put others down.
While this is frustrating to some degree, because we were once fairly close, it is, from a general perspective, more disappointing, sad, and fascinating than anything. What is it in our nature that makes us almost need to put others down in order to feel elevated ourselves? For, surely that’s what it is, right?
As a side note of sorts, I think this is why even healthy competition is challenging for me, the idea that for someone to win, others have to lose. And while I’m not naive to the fact that competition is often a good thing, and that there has to be a victor, I’m convinced that the unhealthy side of competition (e.g. parents who verbally or physically attack others at a child’s sporting event) stems from the same perceived need that causes us to condescend or to speed up to cut someone off in traffic or to post about our “superior” lives on social media: this mistaken belief that in order for me to be successful, others have to fail so my success is noticed or more starkly outlined.
Maybe there’s a post or two there. Or maybe that IS the post. :)
I’d love to hear from you. What has been your experience with those who seem driven by putting others down? What of this do you see in yourself that you wouldn't mind sharing (because to be clear, there is a heart-level issue for me there too, even if it’s not a primary driver at this stage - we could do a series on the unhealthy or downright destructive things that threaten to take the driver’s seat in my life these days)?
I want to stress that the point of these types of posts and requests for feedback is not to pile on so we all feel a bit better about ourselves (e.g., “Well, let me tell you about HER!”), but to explore these things that we all deal with in an open way. My worldview tells me that we all received a mixed bag of all of this stuff back in the garden (in fact, there's a draft somewhere in my notes titled “What happened in the garden?” because it’s been so fascinating of late), and I personally find it helpful to connect with others to work this stuff out.
In any case, onward, friends!
I think that people who need to cut others down in order to feel good about themselves are generally insecure or lack self-confidence. Perhaps you could help this person by finding their strength and highlighting it - complimenting it - giving them the opportunity to use it/build on it. Never acknowledge the condescending remarks/actions. That will only reinforce the behavior.
I also have some unsolicited advice (I'm a Mom - That's what I do). Teach your kids not to interrupt others when they are speaking. Make them wait until you are finished then make sure you give them the opportunity to speak as soon as you are done. (don't blow them off completely) By the time you are finished they may have forgot or resoled their issue on their own which is a win-win.
Besides our words, we also need to watch our body language when we’re feeling condescending about someone. Because it comes out from our attitude in our face, the direction we look, or don’t look, and body posture. The key is to see others through the eyes of Christ. And realize we truly are equally loved and valued, regardless of our life circumstances or situations. And that common thread of humanity Interconnects us all and helps me understand that I am lifted up when you are lifted up. And I am diminished when you are diminished. If I truly believe that, I would never want to diminish another person.